Soldiers, Sand and Sunscreen
by blueroseliar
Summary: Humankind cannot get anything without first giving something in return. Here at Central Headquarters, we like to take vacations from time to time. This is a story of love, burning sun, waves, sand, sunscreen and humor. The story of how Colonel Mustang took his loyal team on a vacation.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This fanfic follows the story of Fullmetal Alchemist, only that I've added something in particular. It's set in the 21st century, so they basically have modern devices and other contemporary jokes. Hope you don't mind, it's just something I added to make everything more funny since this is probably a parody after all. Please note that this is mainly a Royai fanfic as you probably have guessed. I believe this is going to have a lot of chapters since I've got a bunch of ideas, so I hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist.**

**Warnings: Rated T, contains bad language, sexual themes. Might contain minor spoilers or minor OOCs.**

* * *

**Chapter 1**

_Prologue_

"Crap, I'm going to be late."  
Riza realized that as she was standing in line at the bakery downstairs. She had just left her apartment to take Black Hayate for his morning walk. She'd always get a pretzel to chew on for breakfast as she was walking her little black Shiba Inu. Then she'd rush home with the dog and then finally leave for the headquarters. Today the bakery was unexpectedly busy, as if everyone in Central City wanted to buy a pretzel. She inpatiently looked at the street clock across the street. She had 30 minutes left to walk Black Hayate and to get to the office. She would normally walk to the headquarters since it was relatively close to her apartment. Well probably, today she will have to run.  
Central City seemed really busy those days and sometimes Riza felt like she needed to escape. She was even thinking of asking the Colonel for a few days off so she could go somewhere to breathe some fresh air. She remembered a friend of hers living somewhere in the South in a nice countryside village, so she considered giving her a call someday to ask if it was okay to pay her a visit. The thought of a few days in a silent place, without paperwork and other crap gave her such a good feeling, even though she knew those were just thoughts and plans that never seemed to happen.

She barely got to finish her pretzel as she bursted into the office. Surprisingly, there was no one there. She noticed the colonel's briefcase and his laptop thrown on his desk among with some messy papers spreaded everywhere that she assumed they were today's paperwork. She gathered them and brought them to her own desk. Sighing, she began looking through them.

The colonel himself stepped in with two plastic cups of coffee.

"Oh, good morning, lieutenant. Coffee?" he said putting one of the cups in front of her.

"Morning, sir. And yes, thank you." she said picking the cup up from the desk without looking up when some particular paper caught her eye. It was actually an offer from a travel agency to Roy Mustang.

"Um, sir, what is this?" she asked cautiously.

"What is what?" he said not raising his head from his laptop.

"It says 'Mr. Mustang, we have recieved your request for our summer offers. Therefore we will be sending you our-' "

She was interrupted by the sound of the colonel spitting his coffee over the laptop's screen. He jumped over his desk right in front of Riza's desk and took the papers from her hand.

"That is nothing, just nothing, yeah nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Abslolutely not a single thing. Hey Lieutenant did you ever notice that the word 'nothing' comes from 'no' and 'thing'? I really love the word 'nothing', I believe it has personality. I just love words with personality. I simply-"

"Can I interrupt you before you say other idiotic stuff, sir?"

"Please."

"Okay, then what exactly are you up to?" she said sighing.

"Do you even know what 'nothing' means or I've held that speech for nothing? Nothing...nothing..." he said fascinated by the way the word sounded.

"Are you planing to take some time off and go on vacation and just leave me with all this paperwork and other shit that has to be done and-" she said constantly raising her voice.

"I told you it's no-"

"If you say that word again I will shot you."

"Yes ma'am."

"Why else would you request an offer from a travel agency? You do realize I wasn't born yesterday," she said harshly.

He released a long sigh before thinking of a speech without the word 'nothing' included.

"It was suposed to be a surprise," he said in a low voice despite the fact that they were the only ones in the office.

"Surprise?" she asked trying not to smile.

"Well damn it, you are impossible. Yes, I was planning to book some tickets for a holiday, you know, for me and my team. It's still not sure so would you please at least not tell the others? I still have to obtain a permission from my superiors, it's not that easy, you know."

"That's such a great idea, sir. Really nice of you to do that for your subordonates."

"I know right, what can I say, I'm awesome."

"Where are you planning to take us to?" she said smiling.

"Somewhere by the ocean. Yes, quite far from Amestris. Don't get your hopes that high up though, Lieutenant, I told you it's still not-"

"Hey-ho, sup. Morning,sir." Havoc came in followed by Breda, Falman and Fuery.

"Please go on, we didn't mean to interrupt," Fuery said innocently.

"No, it's fine," Roy said carefully folding the brochures into his pocket.

"Unless you've got personal stuff to discuss with Lieutenant Hawkeye that we can't hear. Very personal," Havoc said raising his eyebrows.

"Um, no, the conversation was over. And so is this one," Roy added blankly.

Everyone exchanged suspicious looks.

Riza sighed and got back to the paperwork. She found herself once again thinking how perfect his timing has always been. It felt like their minds were connected somehow, like they could communicate only trough glares. Maybe it was because they've known each other for what seemed forever and a day. She raised her head cautiously as if she was making sure he wasn't hearing her thoughts right now. He was focused on what was happening on the computer screen, although he did raise his eyes a little bit when he felt her glare. She immediately went back to flicking to the papers. No one seemed to have noticed anything.

Maybe he was able to read her mind. Who knows what alchemists were able do and no one knew. Quite creepy, knowing that sometimes she finds herself thinking of him as more than her boss. She frowned and shook her head trying to shoo those dumb thoughts away. Don't be ridiculous, Riza. He is an alchemist, but he is still human after all.

She was startled by the sound of him giving a soft snort all of a sudden.

No.

It was 7 pm. Riza was getting ready to leave the office. She was always the last one to leave. After the rest of the team left, she stood up. She was alone with the Colonel in the office once more.

"Can we talk for a second?"

She froze. This was it, he was able to read her mind. He must have found out her most embarrassing thoughts of him (she didn't even know why she had those thoughts sometimes) and he must be feeling in danger by the anti-fraternization law. He must be feeling awkward around her and he was probably going to request her transfer to the other side of Central City or to the other side of Amestris or to the other side of the Universe. Somewhere where he couldn't see the thoughts of his horny Lieutenant in which he was pushed on the desk and-

"I was wondering if you could help me."

"H-help you, sir?" she said being pulled out of her mind all of a sudden.

"Well, let's not waste the fact that you know about my little surprise now. And to be honest I'm quite stuck. You know, I realized I can't do anything without your help."

"Oh well, men," she sighed.

"I found some really nice offers in Aerugo. One of them has a hotel right on the beach but it looks kind of cheap, even though we have all-inclusive menus and many entertainment options plus a private beach. Another one would be a resort on the beach aswell, it's more expensive but the rooms are basically like some small cabins so you have your own little 'house'. Last but not least I would consider this 5 stars hotel, 10 minutes from the beach but it's situated on a hill so it basically has an incredible view and it's also has a spa and a mini-mall and a deluxe restaurant."

He showed Riza pictures of the 3 different hotels on his laptop while she was standing beside him watching carefully.

"I came to those three from many others but I'm seriously stuck right now and I have no idea what to pick."

"Well, do you have a budget or something?"

"I could say that, but let's pick something first, money counts less right now."

"Well I would go for the five star hotel, of course," Riza laughed.

Roy took a piece of paper and started writing the plan.

"We'd have to book 2 doubles for the boys since I think they would be happy to share. I would like a single and I suppose you would too, unless-"

"A single would be perfect."

"But you didn't have to cut me off-"

"No, sir."

He sighed.

"We still have the transportation left which I think it would be by plane and done." He scratched something quickly on the paper and folded it into his pocket.

"So what was the final price?" she asked.

"Hey, for you this is still a present from me, isn't it?" he said smiling.

She rolled her eyes.

"Look at the time! Should I give you a ride home, yes I definitely should, it's too late to be walking home by yourself."

"It's only 7:30 though, it's fine, sir."

"There are a lot of criminals in Central City, Lieutenant, it's not worth the risk, let's go," he said grabbing his suitcase and holding the door for her.

"If you say so," she said grabbing her purse.

* * *

_*Roy's note to self: I did give her a ride home a few times before. Every single time I hoped she would invite me upstairs. Well she has never done that. Nor did she this time. That would have been nice and romantic like in the movies and all that stuff but this is fucking Riza Hawkeye we're talking about after all, sigh. Well, hell._

_*Riza's note to self: He did give me a ride home a few times before. Every single time I wished I could ask him to come upstairs. Well I could never have done that. Nor could I this time. That would have been stupid and pathetic, and dang, he's my fucking boss after all, sigh. Well, hell._


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**  
_Love Abyss_

"So, sir, are you saying you give me permission to take my team consisting of First Lieutenant Ri-"  
"I said yes, Mustang, you've heard it well. I'm actually really happy for you folks and I would actually have come too if only I was a little younger, you know. But you kids have fun there, don't forget to bring me something."  
Roy saluted General Grumman.  
"Thank you, sir."  
"S'fine, Mustang, anytime."  
Just when they were ready to take separate ways, Major Armstrong appeared out of a room.  
"Morning, General, morning Colonel!" he saluted.  
"Morning, Alex, how's it going?" Grumman smiled.  
"Good, sir, and you?"  
"Good good, but I believe Mustang's doing better since he's going to hit the beach next week, ho-hoh!" Grumman laughed.  
"Is it so?" Armstrong gave the Colonel a curious look.  
"Yes, I just got permission to take my team on a vacation," Roy explained.  
"No way! Would you mind me joining you, sir?"  
Some pink sparkles appeared around his head as his excitement grew.  
"Well if the General doesn't mind..."  
"But of course not! I would be more than glad if Major Armstrong would join your party, Mustang, really, one hell of a vacation you've got there. Oh looks like I've gotta fly away now, I'm a busy man. Have fun boys, oh and don't forget about protection."  
"Sorry?" Roy starred at the General.  
"Well you don't want to get a sunburn, do you?" Grumman said.  
"Oh yes, solar protection, of course."  
Grumman winked before turning away.  
"So, Colonel are you really willing to take me with you?" Armstrong cried in excitement not seeming to have noticed the General's inappropriate comment.  
"Well, why not."  
"One more thing though, hm, my sister will find out anyway and I believe she would love to come since she was telling me she was looking forward to going somewhere at the seaside this summer. She's quite bored of the climate there in the North, you know, she needs some sun on her pale skin."  
"Your sister in the North, you mean.."  
"Yes, I mean my dear sister Olivier, General Major Olivier Mira Armstrong, oh isn't she a beauty, a natural wonder."  
"Yeah, well okay, guess we can take her."  
"Thank you, Colonel, I will confess I admire you from the depths of my heart," Armstrong bursted, pulling Roy into a tight hug, crying and sparkling.  
"I appreciate the fact that, out of excitement, you didn't rip your shirt off this time," Roy said fixing up his hair, messed up by the hug.  
Armstrong laughed and saluted the Colonel.

* * *

Roy entered the office receiving salutes from the members of his team. Since it was official now, he knew he was supposed to tell them. He didn't feel like doing it right now anyway so he pulled his phone from his pocket and threw himself on his chair.  
Riza's phone then vibrated on her desk. Roy was carefully checking out her facial expression as she was checking it out.  
_New text from Roy Mustang._  
She looked up. He shrugged and turned on his laptop. This was the signal that she should act as subtle as possible, so she gently slid her finger on the screen to unlock her phone.  
_"Good news: I got permission. Bad news: Armstrong is joining us. Neutral news: Olivier is joining us too."_  
She raised her eyebrows and typed quickly.  
_"Neutral?"_  
His phone ringed loudly as she hit the send button, making everyone in the room raise their heads from their work.  
_"Can you at least silence your phone maybe?_" she added, his phone making another annoyingly loud sound.  
"Well well, you guys texting each other, ya nasty," Havoc came in.  
"No, Havoc, I'm dealing with serious business affairs right here, guess it is probably a coincidence that Lieutenant Hawkeye is also texting her... dog, while she is supposed to work," he said, gradually raising his voice.  
Havoc snorted skeptically.  
_"Well yes, neutral. A female addition to the group can't be added to 'bad news', it's against the laws of the universe. I guess it's...neutral:)"_ his reply came in fast, making her phone vibrate once more.  
_"You're an idiot, sir."_ she replied although his phone did not ring this time. He just looked at her text and laughed silently.  
She smiled herself. She was going on a fucking vacation. More than that, she will be staying in a five star hotel, somewhere far from home, and she didn't even have to pay for it. She was even going to be on a plane, on which she has only been once before in her life, and even that time it was because of the Colonel's work affairs. She wouldn't generally afford a real vacation, not even mentioning the fact that her father wasn't the type that would have took his daughter on a family trip. She's been to the seaside once, a few years ago with her friend, Rebecca. It was a cheap hotel, where they ate cheap food and wasted their nights in cheap nightclubs, but the fun they had was probably priceless. She could only just imagine the fun they had then multiplied by ten, obtaining the fun she would probably have now.

By the end of the day, she once again found herself alone with him in the office after the others left. She stayed, thinking that he would probably want to talk to her about the vacation. About 15 minutes passed and he didn't say a thing and she didn't want to start the conversation so she just got up and started packing her stuff.  
"Wait, I'm almost done, I'll give you a ride," he said all of a sudden.  
"No, it's fine."  
"Come on, it's full moon, there are vampires and werewolves and zombies and stuff like that on the streets. They said vampires have been spotted around Central City those days. You don't really want to meet one. I mean, you cannot kill a vampire with a gun, if that's what you just wanted to say. Everybody knows they set vampires on fire to kill them. Do you have the resources to start a campfire in your bag? You don't! But by saying 'yes' today, you are just one snap away!"  
She starred at him and couldn't stop herself from laughing.  
"That sounds like a cheap commercial."  
"Yes, did you notice the rhyme I made, yes, I'm good."  
He then joined her laughter.  
"What if it rains and you come across a vampire? I'm sorry sir, I'm not buying it. Your product is inefficient._ It's useless in the rain._"  
"Can't you ever appreciate a good one without ruining it?"

She giggled.

"Shouldn't you be telling the others about the vacation though?" she asked.

"Well I wanted to, but I didn't exactly know how. Like 'hey guys, I booked you a surprise vacation in Aerugo, no, no need to bow to me, it's fine'."  
"No, I don't know, but you have to tell them."  
"Oh, I know, I will send them a text."  
"Never give important information through text messages, sir," she sighed.  
"That's how I tell the girls I have one night stands with that we cannot see each other anymore," he shrugged.  
"That's not necessarily an important piece of information," she said turning away.  
"Well I suppose it is for them, since they slap me if it happens to meet me on the street."  
She escaped a snort.  
"Well, I guess I have to go. I also have to stop by the market and stuff, so you don't really have to give me a ride today. Thanks anyway," she smiled.  
"Oh, okay then, I tried."  
"I will buy some garlic, just in case of a vampire attack, so don't worry about me," she added before closing the door behind her.  
He smiled to himself as he crossed another excuse to drive her home from the list.

She entered her apartment, with a plastic bag in one hand and a paper one in her other hand also holding Hayate's leash. The dog spun around her in excitement making the leash twirl around her legs.  
"Stop, Hayate, sto-"  
She didn't manage to finish the order when she fell flat on her face. The dog pulled a large bag of dog food from the groceries spread all over the floor and started running around the living room dragging it after him.  
She would normally get angry and scold the puppy, but this time, besides the fact that she was dead tired, she was also in an unusually good mood. She calmly picked herself up, and then arranged the groceries in the fridge. She took the leash off Hayate's collar, gave him a soft pat on the head and the poured some of the freshly bought food in his bowl. She then poured herself a large bowl of cereal, threw her pillow and blanket on the sofa and turned on the TV. She picked up her phone and quickly typed Rebecca's number.  
"Hello stranger," her voice shouted from the phone.  
"Hey, Rebecca."  
"We haven't had lunch together this week, what's with all this ignorance?"  
"Sorry, guess I had a lot of work to do. But guess what, next week I'm going to be sunbathing in Aerugo!"  
"You bitch, you didn't even ask me if I wanted to come."  
"The Colonel decided to take his subordinates on a vacation. It's not like I can take everyone I want."  
"Oh my. The first word."  
"I'm not in the mood for your kind of conversations, Rebecca. I'm going on a vacation with my friends and co-workers.  
"Let me guess, you want me to take care of your dog."  
"Well, since you brought up the subject..."  
"Look at the time, I gotta go, Love Abyss is starting, uh-oh."  
"Are you still watching that crappy soap opera?" Riza laughed.  
"Hush. You have fun there with your... _friend_. Friends. Talk later." Rebecca said before hanging up.

Riza ended the call before changing the channel. Oh, how she loved Friday nights. The nights she would stuff herself with chocolate and cereal and cry her eyes out watching Love Abyss.

* * *

_*Riza's note to self: The thought of being somewhere other than the office with my co-workers and especially my boss kind of scares me. Rebecca's comment kind of scared me. What if- aw man, Caroline what are you doing, don't kiss James! He is tricking you, he is a jerk! Ugh, I'm so done with Love Abyss."_

_*Roy's note to self: The thought of being somewhere other than the office with my subordinates and especially one particular subordinate kind of scares me. Grumman's comment kind of scared me. What if- ugh, dammit, Caroline, you never listen to what your friend says! Why did you fall for James the jerk so easily! Man, what is Love Abyss doing to my feelings?_


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N - Sorry for another short chapter - I just wanted to start a new chapter when they arrive at the hotel, so I had to cut this one off. There are few cute Royai moments in this one though so yeah. And thank you all for the reviews and follows and all, I really appreciate it. By the way, you might have noticed but I uploaded a cover I made myself for this fic, lol.**

**Oh, one more thing I forgot to mention at the beginning: this fanfic might get M later on. Just needed to make that clear for now.**

**Well, anyway, enjoy Chapter 3!**

* * *

**Chapter 3**

_Papa Bear_

"So basically I spent 7 hours on a stupid train to get here, after I had waited 3 hours on the train station. I woke up at 5 yesterday and got here in Central at 18, and as you can see I am dead tired. This country really needs to fix its shit up, I mean, have you even seen the railway system in Xing?"  
"I wish your train crashed."  
"Sorry, didn't catch that, Hawkeye?"  
"I said that I'm glad you got here in the end."  
Olivier flipped her hair escaping some pink sparkles.  
"I haven't been to Aerugo in ages. I remember going there every summer when I was little, but since I moved away and started being and important and busy woman I didn't have time to leave the country for vacation."  
Olivier ignored Riza's eyeroll. It was 8 am on a Sunday morning and they have been waiting on Central City International Airport for one hour, after the check-ins and the bag drops. The gates were supposed to open at 8:30. Riza was the only one so unfortunate to not be able to sleep and be forced to listen to Olivier's complaints, since all men were long asleep in their chairs.  
"In Briggs we wake up at 5 every day. I can't believe those morons are fully asleep at 8 in the morning. That's why Central City is the way it is," Olivier said looking disgusted at her brother, Roy and his team were sleeping with their heads leaning onto each other.  
"These men are the ones who rule our country, ladies and gentlemen." She sighed dramatically. "And especially this one right here is the one who is willing to become your next fuhrer."  
Some people around them gave them curious looks and whispered to each other. Roy muttered something in his sleep but didn't wake up. Olivier then kicked him in the knee with the tip of her shoe making him wake up crying in pain.  
"Why?" he weeped. Everyone else woke up yawning and complaining.  
"Next time you complain about me torturing you while making you do your paperwork, picture her as your Lieutenant," Riza muttered.  
"I would rather be forced to wear Crocs than be this idiot's Lieutenant," Olivier replied.  
"I have a pair of Crocs with me though," Breda came in.  
Olivier gave him an ice cold look.  
"They don't let you smoke in the airport," Havoc sighed deeply.  
"I hope they have WiFi connection at the hotel because I can't afford losing followers on my blog when I'm so close to my first thousand!" Fuery cried.  
"I'm hungry and I want to sleep," Falman muttered.  
"Are you all for real?!" Olivier shouted. "If they don't open this gate soon I will do stuff I would rather not."  
"Do me."  
Everyone starred blankly at the half-asleep Roy.  
"Please save your cheap pick up lines for Lieutenant Hawkeye," Olivier said clenching her fists.  
"Come on, it was a joke. Can't you all just relax and enjoy the moment? Why so serious, we're on holiday," he said yawning.  
"That was indeed inappropriate, sir," Riza sighed.  
"Oh, one thing. No more sirs. We're on holiday. Y'all can call me for now on, Papa Bear," he shouted enthusiastically.  
Olivier cracked her fingers one by one.  
"That was also a joke," he muttered.  
"It's not you. It's just too early for jokes, I think," Havoc yawned.  
They spent the next few minutes in silence. Riza took out a book from her purse as Olivier finally sat down and began flicking through the latest Cosmo's pages.  
A few minutes later, she angrily threw the magazine back into her purse.  
"They are late! They were supposed to open the gate hours ago! Do they even know what time it is?"  
"It's 8:31," Riza said not raising her head from the book.  
Olivier groaned in anger.  
"Oh miracles, the gate has opened!" Armstrong exclaimed pointing at the departures screen.

_Padmia, Aerugo - Gate 13._

They all picked up their handbags and coats and headed to the gate. After the passport checks they finally got into the plane. Riza took the seat by the window, followed by Roy and Havoc, then Breda, Falman and finally Fuery by the opposite window. Olivier and Armstrong got to sit in the row in front of them, since Armstrong could only fit in two seats.  
After the take off, Havoc got into a really deep conversation with a pretty brunette stewardess, while Breda and Falman were actually having an argument on a football match, while Fuery was concentrating on writing stuff in his notepad, probably for his blog. Olivier was probably reading her magazine again while Armstrong kind of fell asleep again.  
Roy tried playing with his chair, reading the safety instructions, taking stuff from his bag and putting them back in, just to draw her attention. However, Riza never raised her head from the book.  
He sighed and took is earphones and plugged them to the radio on his seat.  
"Pretty sick music they've got here," he said.  
"Is it so?" she asked not moving her nose from the book.  
"Yes, Beethoven's Symphony No. 8."  
"Airplane music is always badass," she stated.  
"I know right, want the other earphone?"  
"It's ok."  
This was probably the lamest conversation Roy Mustang has ever had with a woman. When will he get used to the fact that she just wasn't the type of woman he was familiar with?

_Attempt #2_.

"So what are you reading?" he asked, although he could read the title on the cover.  
"Midnight Crime."  
"Oh, guess it is a detective novel?"  
"Yep, more like detective and mystery. I really like it so far."  
"I see, since you didn't raise your head from it to look at me since we got here."  
She raised her head. They starred at each other like two idiots. After 30 seconds of not even blinking he finally said:  
"Your eyes are brown. To be more exact, this shade of brown is called _chocolat au lait_. The code for it is _#8b4c39._"  
He then nodded like a wise man.  
She laughed and returned to her book.  
Was that a win or another fail?  
He felt Havoc's hand patting his left shoulder. Havoc leaned slowly and whispered to him:  
"You tried, bro."  
He then gave him an encouraging smile and a thumbs up as in '_I'm here for you_'.  
He sighed and waited for Havoc to engage in another conversation with the stewardess to begin the next attempt.

_Attempt #3_

"So how are you enjoying this so far?" he asked.  
"Enjoying what?"  
"The, um, holiday."  
"We're not even there yet, sir."  
"Hey, I told you that you don't need to use 'sir' as long as we're not wearing those uniforms," he tried to smile as friendly as possible.  
"I forgot. It's an automatism, you know, Papa Bear?"  
They both laughed.  
"Look, sorry if I seem kind of distant or anything else. It's not you, it's just that I'm quite nervous about this all thing," she added.  
_ It's not you_. This line reminded him of that episode of Love Abyss when Jenna had to explain why she had to reject Evan. He shooed away any thoughts related to Love Abyss from his head.  
"It's okay, but you don't need to be nervous. I am the one supposed to be nervous since I want everything to be perfect and everyone to have a good time in the end."  
"I will have a wonderful time, I'm sure of that," she raised her head to meet his gaze.  
"That's all I wanted to hear."  
They smiled at each other  
"Don't worry, we'll have a wonderful time for sure, Chief, I brought cards so we can play strip poker!" Havoc exclaimed.  
Riza sighed irritated and returned to her book.  
"Why did you have to ruin everything?" Roy muttered to Havoc.  
After a short pause though, he added silently:  
"Let's hope there are lots of hot waiters at the hotel so we can play strip poker like bad guys do."  
"Fuck yeah!" Havoc yelled.  
Riza shook her head. She then smiled thinking how comfortable she actually felt around these idiots. Her idiots. Her idiot.

* * *

_*Riza's note to self: Well that was the first moment on this vacation when I actually forgot we were co-workers and supposed to keep our relationship as formal as possible. That was the first moment I felt calm. Happy. Like a bird set free from its cage. That was a metaphor, the military is the cage. Or maybe the fraternization law. Ugh, you get the point._

_*Roy's note to self: I think that was the first moment in her life she actually forgot about the fact that we are co-workers and supposed to have strictly professional relationships, blah blah yawn blah, you know the shit. And I think she felt happy. Her smile was too informal. I think that's a win, guys. I got an informal smile from First Lieutenant Hawkeye. _  
_I think that was a tear of joy running down my cheek. Ugh, cross that one. Mustangs don't cry._


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Sorry for the long wait, but then again, here I am with chapter 4! **

**One quick but important note: This fanfic is officially ****Rated M**** from now on due to bad language and some sexual innuendos. (I might be a bit of a paranoid, but I believe it's better off this way)**

**Now I leave you with chapter 4!**

* * *

**Chapter 4**  
_Heartburning_

"Welcome to Costa Padma Hotel!" the small brown-haired receptionist said with a strange accent.  
"Hello sweetheart, here are our reservations," Roy said handing her same papers from his handbag. He also subtly pushed his card among with the papers towards her. She looked up at him as he winked and mouthed 'call me'.  
She quickly counted the keys and put them on the desk. Everyone grabbed a random key.  
"Your rooms are on the 6th floor, go straight from the elevator and you should find them, if you need anything else, you can talk to me," the receptionist said.  
As they were all grabbing their suitcases and heading for the elevator, Roy tried to turn to the receptionist once more. Riza sighed angrily and grabbed his sleeve.  
"They are waiting for you, the elevator is here."  
"Oh come on," he protested.  
He turned to roll his eyes at the receptionist. She giggled.  
The exit from the elevator on the 6th floor led to a small staircase before the main hallway. Everyone successfully managed to climb the steps with their luggage (as for the Armstrongs, they climbed it without even blinking). Riza was still having trouble climbing the first step. Her bag fell from her shoulder and she dropped her coat. She cursed. For some unknown reason, she was so angry she could shot a puppy.  
Someone from behind her grabbed her suitcase with one hand and the bag and coat from the ground with the other. It took her some time to process the new series of events that had occurred.  
"I was dealing perfectly fine with them, I didn't ask for your help!" she shouted after him.  
He was already at the top of the stairs. He looked down at her and raised his eyebrows.  
"Don't give me those looks of yours because I'm not―" he turned around and started walking towards her room. "Look at me when I'm talking to you!" she shouted after him again, starting to climb the stairs stomping angrily on each step. "Damn you, he is the boss and he thinks he is so fucking cool and he gives me those looks, ha-ha, wow, you're so annoying, ugh." she silently said to herself like a grumpy child in kindergarten, following him.  
"What room?"  
"609," she muttered.  
"I'm 606. Our last numbers are matching." he said leaning onto the door of room 609 and grinning like and idiot.  
She gave him the coldest look possible and angrily snatched her stuff from his hands. He wouldn't let go of her bag.  
"Can you?" she clenched her teeth.  
"What did I do?" he asked.  
"Nothing, give me my bag," she said pulling the bag from his arms. He still wouldn't let go.  
"What are you so angry about then?"  
"I said nothing, now give it to me!"  
"I ship you guys," Fuery casually passed by, carrying his suitcase after him.  
She managed to pull her bag as he turned his head to look after Fuery. She finally opened her room and she slammed the door before he could say anything else. She could still hear his voice behind the door. She could make out Havoc's voice and then their voices drifted away, meaning that they left. She sighed and threw herself on the huge bed burying her face in the pillows. She looked at the clock that indicated 5 o'clock, however all she felt like doing was sleeping. She remembered they had to have dinner in about half an hour. She had half an hour to unpack her stuff and settle down.  
But she did not get up from the bed until 5:30.  
She heard the well-known voices on the hallway so she knew she was supposed to go to dinner. She opened her suitcase and picked some short summer dresses she'd packed. She looked at each of them and then frowned. She angrily threw all of them on the bed and dragged her jeans from the bottom of the suitcase.  
Jeans.

* * *

She entered the hotel restaurant and spotted a large round table at which Olivier was sitting and having a conversation (which appeared more like an argument) with some random guy. Riza sat on a chair that didn't have anyone's jacket on it, one seat away from Olivier.

"Look, honey, for your information, I'm from Amestris, and for further information I am General Major Olivier Mira Armstrong from Briggs, but I believe that is not a concept familiar to you. To sum up, I do not date strangers, and in your case, foreigners, unless they are famous people, owning a castle or are part of a royal family and especially I do not date idiots who use the term 'babe' to approach me. If you don't relate to any of the above, you can gently step back and leave. To be more exact, fuck off."  
Olivier ended her speech with a hair flip, turning her back on the guy. He backed away carefully.  
"Is it mating season for idiots or what? I've been approached by 5 morons since I entered this room," Olivier said more to herself than to Riza.  
"Maybe it's because of the sparks," Riza said, feeling forced to reply.  
"Maybe."  
"Shouldn't we get something to eat?" Riza asked after a while.  
"Mustang told me to stay here because he will bring me something," Olivier shrugged casually checking her phone.  
Riza picked up the knife from the table and clenched her fist on it like a serial killer. Then she stabbed the napkin.  
When she was ready for the second stab, someone from behind her placed a plate full of food in front of her. She stopped the knife just above his hand.  
"Easy tiger," he said playfully.  
She rolled her eyes.  
He laughed and sat on the chair between Olivier and Riza, placing another plate in front of the sparkly blonde.  
"For your majesty, The Snow Queen."  
Riza truly murdered the napkin splitting it in 2.  
"I hate that fairytale more than I hate Central City," Olivier stated taking her fork. "I actually hate fairytales. I was forced to tell Catherine fairytales, my teenage years were hell."  
"Cathy always complained about your fairytales. They always ended after 'once upon a time' with the tragic death of all the characters," Armstrong appeared and sat next to his sister. The rest of the group joined the table too.  
"Brother, please, it used to take me some time to think of plausible causes of death."

* * *

Riza lost track of their conversations as she stared blankly at her plate. Grilled salmon, her favorite. However, the agonizing napkin whispered to her with its last breath not to get too excited over it.  
He started talking and this caught her attention.  
"Dear friends, next time you're seeing this place I will have become Fuhrer, I'm telling ya."  
"Too bad man, I was really hoping I could see this place again," Havoc sighed.  
Roy ignored his comment.  
"And you two," he said wrapping his arms around the girls' around him shoulders. "will be wearing―"  
"Are you going to tell that thing again because it's seriously older than the military. I believe even my mother knows the joke," Falman muttered.  
"Plot twist, they will be wearing long large skirts, you know like nuns and stuff," Havoc said playing with the wine in his glass.  
Both Riza and Olivier removed his hand from their shoulders.  
"You guys really know how to kill the joy," Roy sighed.  
"Can I take a picture of us and upload it on―" Fuery said out of the blue.  
"No," everyone said.  
"―my blog," he ended the sentence to himself with a sad look on his face.  
After a short pause in which everyone sighed, Roy took out a paper.  
"Mkay so we have a bunch of stuff to do here in Padma, so yeah we might need a little schedule. I'd say tomorrow is relaxation day - to go to the beach."  
"I'd say tomorrow is check-out-the-local-mall day," Olivier said.  
"Hey, I took you on this holiday which means I rule this shit," Roy said.  
Olivier rolled her eyes.  
"Well I guess we can either go to the beach in the morning and then go shopping in the afternoon," Roy said writing something down on the paper.  
"I love it how in the end everything turns like I want it to be. Men are such fools," Olivier commented.  
Riza snorted.  
"You wish you were me, Hawkeye. I feel it. Jealousy," Olivier said taking the last bite from her plate.  
"I'm not jealous, and especially not of you," Riza started.  
"Hey, hey, ladies, chill out," Roy said feeling trapped between the two. They continued their fight, saying random things about each other at the same time, that no one could even understand what they were arguing about.  
"Woah, calm yo tits!" Havoc yelled covering the two. They both froze. Riza was now pointing the knife at Olivier while Olivier had her fingers with her perfectly done pink nails curved in a weird position, like ready to jump on Riza like a mad cat.  
They returned to their original position releasing Roy from being squeezed between them. He sighed.  
"Thank you," Havoc said with a soft bow.  
"I am done," Riza said getting up.  
"So am I," Olivier stood up.  
They left in opposite directions.

* * *

Riza took a walk outside the hotel to calm herself down and to put her thoughts in order. What was she so mad about? She stopped by the pool and stood on a sunbed facing the water. She brushed the clear surface of the water with her fingers. It was dark and a cold wind was starting to blow. She cringed when a cold chill went down her spine.  
Did it all start from that receptionist? It's not like that was the first person he has flirted with. And she was aware of that. Did she expect that they were going to be on this vacation where he will be all over her, having eyes only for her and― even if it was like that, would she have let it happen? Probably not. She couldn't let anything happen, because it was forbidden to let anything happen. But it was all eating her up inside.  
"Everything alright?"  
She startled and turned around.  
"I'm fine."  
"I saw you from the balcony. It's cold. What are you doing here?"  
He was standing at a considerable distance from the pool.  
She didn't answer.  
"Are you still mad? Because, look, if I've done something I'm―"  
"I am fine. I didn't say you did anything. I said I am fine. I just need to spend some time with myself."  
"I guess I'm going to leave you alone now."  
She wasn't facing him but she felt his voice closer to her now. She then heard a door somewhere behind her closing.  
She turned to look back once again. He wasn't there anymore. A jacket was lying right beside her. His jacket.

She carefully took it and wrapped it around her shoulders.

* * *

_*Roy's note to self: She wasn't fine. Wow, no shit Sherlock! "I guess I'm going to leave you alone now." Can I set myself on fire now and then jump out the window? Where the fuck are those gloves when you need them?_

_*Riza's note to self: I wasn't fine. Wow, Riza, you don't say! I said I was fine and I wanted to be left alone. None of those statements were true. Why did I act like a spoiled brat the whole day? I deserve an award for the most pathetic idiot ever._


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**  
_The Coconut Man_

"If I hear 'Hey Riza, why are you wearing a dress while you are supposed to be sunbathing?' again, I'm going to jump in front of a train," Riza muttered in anger.  
"Can't you like buy some body paint or something to cover up _that shit_ on your back?" Roy suggested.  
"_That shit_ is indeed a very appropriate word for it. Nicely done, Colonel."  
"Well it's a pain in the ass, you're supposed to wear bikini and be sexy and... stuff..."  
She gave him a cold look.  
They were alone on their towels, under an umbrella while everyone else was either in the water, building sandcastles, taking pictures, buying junk food or exposing their muscles.  
"I know I'm not supposed to joke about _that shit_, sorry, bad joke, my bad, heh."  
"I haven't bothered finding something to cover _that shit_ because the only place where I'm completely naked is in my own shower," she shrugged.  
"You see, there will be a time when someone besides yourself will have to see you naked―" he started.  
"Are you trying to give me the talk?" she raised an eyebrow.  
"Since you seem so familiar with the talk, young lady, I shall tell you now where do babies come from."  
"Surprise me."  
"Well, there once was this weird ass big bird who carried babies in her beak and then papa snapped his fingers and burned that bitch so she released the baby. They later stated that the bird was reborn from its own ashes and it has been called Phoenix, just so you know papa didn't murder an innocent bird, he just gave her an upgrade. And besides that, he is responsable for the birth of the Phoenix. That's the story of how you were born, son."  
She laughed.  
"Are you going to tell this to your children?"  
"Why the hell not. Once I burned a chicken to test the Phoenix theory. My children don't have to know that it didn't work, though. Well, Santa Claus is a fake too, so bite me."  
"And why did you perform _that shit_ on innocent animals, you heartless idiot," she playfully kicked him.  
"Wait, is _that shit_ some kind of a code for Flame Alchemy now or what?"  
"It's funny because you are basically_ That Shit_ Alchemist."  
"So we have a secret BFF language, aw, xoxo, kisses, rawr."  
"Please don't."  
A group of girls in bikinis passed by.  
"Can you at least try the body paint theory?" he begged, following the girls with his gaze. "I mean I'm sure you're not willing to die a virgin, are you?"  
"I'm not a virgin, you moron."  
"My bad again," he laughed.  
"I guess that man that's going to see me naked will not have to ask too many questions about _that shit_."  
"What―"  
"I brought cocktails for everyone!" Olivier appeared with a bunch of brightly coloured cocktails on a tray.  
"Since when are you so nice, Olivier?" Riza asked cheerfully grabbing a pink drink. For some reason, she was in a really good mood today, compared to the day before.  
"They were free," Olivier replied nonchalantly enjoying her cocktail.  
"Explainable," Riza replied.  
The others soon gathered around the small table under the umbrella to grab a cocktail.  
Roy stared blankly at the tray until he finally managed to grab a drink. His thoughts were still far away so he couldn't focus properly on their conversation. When he came back to Earth, Riza was laughing and chatting with the group. Bored out of his mind, he picked up an ice-cube from his glass and slowly dropped it behind her neck, underneath her dress.  
She startled when she felt the ice-cube on her skin. She heard his giggle from behind her and played it cool, trying not to let the others see what was going on, so she subtly caught the ice-cube and pulled it out, throwing it behind her. The cube hit his head. His soft "ow" assured her that she didn't miss the aim not even now, without looking.  
"The lifeguard asked about you, Ri," Havoc said.  
Ri.  
Roy stuck out his tongue and rolled his eyes. Ri. Aw dear.  
"Oh really?" she looked surprised.  
"Yeah, I told him that we are from Amestris and he said something like he knew Amestrian women are beautiful. Well obviously," Havoc continued.  
"He said I'm beautiful?" her smile widened.  
"Cough-cough," Olivier interfered.  
Havoc shrugged.  
"You should talk to him, I mean―"  
"Actually, no, she shouldn't. He could be a dangerous person. He could drag her into a trap, rape her and then murder her and feed the sharks with her flesh."  
Everyone turned to Roy and threw a disgusted "Are you fucking kidding me" look at him.  
"Listen to me Ri, I know what's best for you," he nodded wisely.  
"Ri?" she said raising her eyebrows at him.  
He opened his mouth to defend himself when Olivier interrupted him.  
"Honeybun, now you understand why I avoid working with men in general? I mean, I might have told you this 50 times already but I think I'd quit the military of I had a boss like yours."  
Riza nodded silently.  
"What about Miles?" Falman asked.  
"Miles is a cool guy. As long as I'm the boss, of course. I am a strong, independent woman."  
"This confidence has been passed down the Armstrong family for generations," Armstrong cried behind her.  
"That is incorrect, as I do not believe that any of you, my idiotic siblings, have anything like that in common with me."  
Alex looked down.  
"Shut up, Alex is a cutie pie," Havoc said giving Armstrong a friendly pat on his gigantic shoulder.  
"He is a QT 3.14! Get it? 3.14? Pi? Anyone?" Fuery added.  
Everyone sighed.  
This was followed by a really awkward silence which someone was now supposed to break.  
"So guys, which one do you think it came first, the chicken or the egg?" Falman started.  
A few annoyed snorts and a bunch of 'seriously?'s followed.  
"The egg came from the chicken so I think it's quite logical it was the chicken," Roy answered.  
"No, the chicken came from an egg, therefore the egg must have been first," Riza quickly added.  
"Yes, but who laid the egg? God?" he asked ironically.  
"And you're saying that the chicken just appeared out of the blue." she replied mocking him.  
"Guys! Now I get the 3.14 joke! I got it!" Breda started laughing uncontrollably.  
"Sometimes I wonder how do you work with those morons but then I remember you are exactly like them, after all," Olivier told her brother.  
While Roy and Riza kept arguing about the egg and thd chicken, and Breda kept telling everyone that he got the joke (Fuery was indeed satisfied with the fact that someone appreciated his joke more or less), Olivier started a life changing monologue (as in the fact that only Alex was paying attention to every word she said, but she didn't seem to address her speech to him at all):  
"I can picture Miles asking me how was the holiday. And what can I tell him, I spent a few days on the beach with a bunch of unattractive dumbass men, one average looking man and a woman who sunbathes fully clothed for some reason. We drank cheap cocktails, and to be more exact, free cocktails, and we basically discussed things that no one cares about, not even the people discussing it."  
"But you spent those moments with your friends, and that's what makes them so special, sister," Armstrong replied.  
"Friends? I don't have friends. I don't need friends. I don't even need people, but I have to accept the fact that there are still quite a few billion people around breathing my air and there's nothing I can do about that."  
She wanted to sound really though, but she couldn't hide from herself a little smile after rewinding her brother's words in her head.

* * *

"Do they actually think that tourists are so dumb that they could spend so much money on this?" Riza asked raising a stray hat from a plastic mannequin head.  
No one seemed to bother answering her as everyone was fascinated by the random things in the souvenir shop. Hopelessly, no one was probably going to exit the shop empty handed. The only empty thing will probably be their wallets.  
Olivier grabbed the hat from Riza's hands and placed it on her head, checking herself out in the mirror. She was wearing a slim tank top, shorts and some high platform sandals with a large tote bag hanging from her shoulder. It was rather odd seeing Olivier dressed so summerish.  
"Why not buy it? It's fancy and besides that it, protects your head from the sun. You don't want your brains getting fried, do you?"  
"But it's 20 fucking dollars. For a plain stray hat," Riza replied.  
Olivier rolled her eyes.  
"You don't know fashion," she said leaving Riza alone in the mirror. She sighed desperately and started browsing through a box. She took out a small figurine representing a man with a coconut head with a palm leaf around his privates and a spade in his hand.  
"Spot something?"  
She turned around to see an idiot wearing a wooden huge caveman mask decorated with red-painted symbols.  
"What the hell."  
Roy laughed and took the mask out.  
"This thing is heavy like hell."  
"Why would anyone buy that? I seriously don't see the point of most of the stuff here," she shook her head.  
"Souvenirs don't have a point, but they're good things to have a laugh at later," he shrugged. "So, do you want the Coconut Man?"  
She looked down to realize she was still holding the figurine. She shook her head.  
"Hell no, why would-"  
He snatched the Coconut Man from her hand.  
"What are you doing?!" she asked as he started heading towards the cash register.  
"We're not leaving this place until you pick something, and since you're not going to do that anytime soon, I've decided to step in."  
"There's nothing to pick though, they are all useless and expensive."  
"That's the main criteria when picking souvenirs."  
She stopped and sighed. A small smile rised on her face as she thought he was going to buy her a Coconut Man. A freaking Coconut Man.  
As they exited the shop he placed the figurine in her hand.  
"Your Coconut Man, ma'am."  
"How romantic, buying her a Coconut Man," Havoc added sarcastically.  
"Romantic indeed," Riza replied staring blankly at the creepy grin on the coconut's face. "Speaking of, I should go talk to that lifeguard."  
"Oh gurl you did not! This lad buys you a coconut and now you're gonna hook up with some other guy, how rude," Havoc said impersonating a diva.  
"I'm not going to hook up with him," she rolled her eyes. "I'm probably going to thank him that he called me beautiful and maybe have a drink-"  
Havoc started coughing violently.  
"Cough, everyone knows cough what comes after cough cough drink cough. Dammit asthma!"  
"Yeah right."  
She seemed rather annoyed. She was having a little fun for once and now they were already making stupid assumptions.

* * *

At dinner, she didn't say one word about the lifeguard until Havoc brought up the subject again.  
"So let's play annoy-Lieutenant-Hawkeye again! How was the lifeguard?"  
She struck Havoc with the deadliest look possible. She swallowed, wiped her mouth and said calmly:  
"It was... great."  
"You're a fair actress, Hawkeye but you ain't fooling me," Havoc said.  
"I'm not acting though."  
Havoc raised an eyebrow at her. She started feeling really uncomfortable.  
"It was good but it wasn't going to last anyway. We get on pretty well and he's easy-going and nice and not to mention good-looking. But yeah, maybe some other time. Now I declare this topic closed as I don't feel like discussing my personal life with you."  
Everyone exchanged suspicious looks across the table.  
"Hawkeye gone wild, huh?" Havoc finally added.  
"Now if you'll excuse me," she said finishing her plate and leaving the table.

Later on, as she was up in her bed cuddling the blanket and changing the channels on the TV, she heard a two knocks on the door. She went to the door and opened it just to fit her head. What she saw didn't even surprise her.  
"What do you want now?"  
"Well, I see you've left the light on your balcony on and I wanted to remind you to protect the environment and switch it off before you go to sleep," Roy said trying his best to look serious.  
She rolled her eyes and smiled as she tried to close the door.  
"No wait," he said pushing the door back open. "Was it really that great with that lifeguard?"  
"Seriously?" she asked rhetorically as she tried to slam the door again.  
"Come on! You can tell me!"  
She stopped pushing the door and looked at him in the eye.  
"Do you really really realy want to know?"  
"Yeees," his smile widened.  
"Well, it was the most awkward moment in my life as I found out it wasn't me the beautiful Amestrian woman he was referring to. It was Olivier. Now good night," she said pushing herself against the door.  
"No, wait, I am really sorry to hear that, I really am," he said failing at trying to put on a serious face.  
They were both pushing against the door with all the strength.  
"Yeah, I'm sure you are. From the depths of your heart."  
She pushed the door harder now, still laughing.  
"Wait, don't forget the light-"  
Then the door slammed with a thud. She locked it and then climbed up in the bed and laughed. She stopped when the Coconut Man fell from the end table on the floor. She looked at it for a second and she continued laughing even harder.

* * *

_Riza's note to self: I should place the Coconut Man on my desk back at the office. Yes that will do. I think souvenirs are useless until they exit the shop. Then they get a sentimental value to the owner. What am I blabbing about? It looks like a child molester with a coconut on his face._

_Roy's note to self: She eventually turned the light off. I feel so fulfilled. And maybe because I found out she didn't actually bang the lif- I mean she turned the light off, she saved the planet by following my advice! What more could a man ask for?_


End file.
